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The Officiant

by Dirty Melissa

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1.
***It starts in 1976 ...while living alone with his father after his parents divorce ...he spends a year listening to Beatles records, watching the Brady Bunch, Ozzie and Harriet, Father Knows Best, The Partridge Family and My Three Sons having these ideas programmed in his mind...and he he decides what he wants when he grows up.... I'm gonna be a daddy I'm gonna be a husband too I want my wife and my kids be proud of me and love me true some day I'll have a house and a car and a boat and go on vacation and go on vacation In the summers we will load up the station wagon and sing together and sing together I wanna be a patriarch of a happy family I wanna make my parents proud grandchildren on their knee I wanna have a wedding I wanna be get married (someday) I wanna be a husband
2.
***Later we relive an experience where he is injured terribly and overcome by the fear of being in trouble more than his concern with his injuries...a testament to his experiences and ignorance of authority...that to disappoint his parents would be a worse fate than death itself... signifying the beginning of his people pleasing ways. Why wouldn't anyone not want to lie beneath the monkey bars looking up at the sky at the clouds floating by floating by floating by That ringing in the ears After falling hard and losing wind In the yard And scraping knee And hitting head and bloody nose I'm almost dead clouds floating by And bruised elbow and broken bones injured child on my back Looking up at the clouds and sound compressed clouds floating by floating by I'm in trouble clouds floating by I'm in trouble clouds floating by floating by I feel undressed and did I just die? I see the light I feel so high clouds floating by clouds floating by and floating by floating by floating by I can't hear the playground anymore
3.
Magazines 02:53
***Along the way he makes a discovery visiting his Mother's pad where she is shacked up with her new man, and soon to be husband. This discovery coincides perfectly with puberty and introduces him to the much more complex and interesting meaning to having a wife, a woman to love... to sex... Momma lives by the sea in an adobe brick colored green Wooden walls and open doors Magazines on closet floors I woke up hard pressed against the mattress I ... knew from gymnasium gossip that this would happen I ... felt stretched beyond capacity I ... woke up wet hard pressed between the sheets and me So I spent more time with my step dad volunteering for chores so I could get closer to those Wooden walls and open doors And when he left to go to the store I ran across the floor to get to those magazines on closet floors I knew before hand before I knew That with those magazines I knew what to do Like the Grinch's heart It grew and grew I'd die of embarrassment if anyone knew So I spent more time with my step dad volunteering for chores so I could get closer to those Wooden walls and open doors And when he left to go to the store I ran across the floor to get to those magazines on closet floors magazines on closet floors magazines on closet floors
4.
***At his mother's living room wedding officiated by her man's brother Duke, he is mesmerized and captivated by the the whole affair... not a white wedding by any means but his first wedding and he studies the process... he notices the look of pride in the preacher's wife's gaze and sees this as a way to make someone proud... Nineteen-seventy-nine or was it eight? This love affair is now a wedding date at the house in foggy marina they looked so happy Duke did the honors I like that Just like Duke I like that Standing up up for them in the center I like that Just like Duke I like that Fantasies of a preacher's wife It seemed so noble and right to do the honors her dressed in white And groom to the nines I knew I wanted something to do with all of this but how on earth will I find a bride by my side Duke did the honors they looked so happy I like that Just like Duke I like that Standing up up for them in the center Fantasies of a preacher's wife I like that Just like Duke I like that Standing up up for them in the center I like that Fantasies of a preacher's wife I like that Standing up up for them in the center Just like Duke I like that Fantasies of a preacher's wife
5.
***As he travels through life and is now in high school he is always searching for ways to become desirable and wanted by a woman he can love...he's tired of being called weird or cute or funny by the girls...he wants to be a man... he sees baseball and playing guitar as ways to be seen by the girls as a man... Baseball or Rock and Roll I'm not weird I'm not cute I'm not funny don't call me weird don't call me cute don't say I'm funny weird cute cute funny weird cute If I could be Like Mike Brady And be the best Dad I'd be so glad girls say I'm cute say, say I'm weird say i'm funny But I want to be a man want you to be my honey Baseball or Rock and Roll I want to be a star I want to be her hero But I don't think so I'm a zero girls say I'm cute girls say I'm weird girls say i'm weird
6.
***He turns on the television one day and he sees the wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Diana and decides he wants that - he likes that... he decides weddings are beautiful and good and noble and something he wants, he gives up on the home town and leaves to start a life, find a wife... I saw the wedding Charles and Diana I want that I wanted that But who will I know Who has a father to giver her away... Who will pay for such an affair Wait ...how can I have that ever after When my parents, grandparents and aunt are all divorced? I don't know how to be a husband but I've seen my friends parents...like Ozzie and Harriet So cool... I don't know anyone who could be my bride I have to get out there and find her... Who will be my girl? Out in the world? That's why I left to conquer the world That's why I left to conquer the world That's why I left to conquer the world That's why I left to conquer the world
7.
Magistrate 02:37
***Far from home and living in a dormitory, he has met a woman who wants to be married and have a family and he courts her and in under 5 months they find themselves at city hall getting hitched... during the process he notices the judge and the process of marrying them ... We exchanged turkey sandwiches and painted random cinder block bricks on dorm room walls It wasn't too long before we decided to get married and move away from these halls Did I want a wedding back home or did I just want to be hitched That's where I first saw the magistrate Captured the marriage on video tape Dressed up in my blues And she was waiting there with a fancy white dress and flowers in her hair Cold and white outside the courthouse That's where I first saw the magistrate I played back the tape And she was awesome In her tie & long black gown I was nervous and it was darling and cute and we were kind of funny and I kind of liked what was going down what I saw and what she did And what I saw what she said and how it worked .... That's where I first saw the magistrate Captured the marriage on video tape Dressed up in my blues And she was waiting there with a fancy white dress and flowers in her hair cold and white outside the courthouse That's where I first saw the magistrate first saw the magistrate first saw the magistrate The consummate and quintessential Authority and professional I wonder what lucky guy would consummate the magistrate I wondered if I could ever become
8.
Moving On 04:25
***After his divorce, and while being alone he is self seeking and discovering that perhaps what he is drawn to about marriage is not necessarily being in a wedding or being a bride-groom...but being a good husband and the search for that woman continues The time has come to say goodbye seeking something from the aisle But clearly it was not a wife and kids But I still needed a smile Was it to be a bride-groom not me or wedding singer? I don't know moving on, moving on I think I've come to know That maybe what I want is more It's not about the celebration Maybe something deeper Was it to be? a bride-groom not me or wedding singer? I don't know moving on, moving on I did not know, I still dont know moving on, walking down the aisle moving on, do I try again? moving on, do I try again? moving on, do I try again? moving on, do I try? Was it to be - a bride-groom not me or wedding singer I don't know
9.
***After trials and tribulations he meets a new woman who agrees to marry him and they end up in Las Vegas at the county courthouse and again he is captivated by the process, mesmerized by the clerk and her role in their marriage and can't put his finger on what he's experiencing ... naturally he snaps out of it and is married and in a casino buffet I like this one, she could be the one for me And this time I'm gonna be better Call in sick, flying south Arrive by noon County office, taxi cab Quick stop license Have a seat, bee hive clerk Janitor witness Nugget buffet, bacon and cake Tropicana photo booth Hell yeah! - bee hive...cool job Clark county bee hive Hell yeah! - bee hive Cool job Clark county bee hive easy come easy go I like this one, she could be the one for me And this time I'm gonna be better Call in sick flying south, arrive by noon Bacon and cake, Tropicana photo booth photographer Hell yeah! - bee hive Cool job Clark county bee hive., yeah Hell yeah! - bee hive...cool job Clark county bee hive, yeah easy come easy go easy come easy go easy come easy go easy come easy go
10.
Groom Groom 03:31
***Years pass by, he's tried to be a good husband ...as good as he can be... he's finding being married again is not easy or perfect, he falls down and gets back up again once or twice ... a surreal dream sequence of realization... cumberbun bowtie shiney shoes shutterfly best man other guys groom groom ask why cumberbun bowtie shiney shoes shutterfly groom groom first day of the rest of your life they say I wanted to be to be that guy I wanted to wear that tie I wanted to look into her eyes I wanted to be hers till I died I tried not once but twice This marriage thing is my vice fuck around, fool around I'm nobody's nobody now first day of the rest of your life they say groom groom
11.
One day he is asked to officiate his sister and law's wedding, then a month later he volunteers to marry his brother in another state and flies out to do the honors - then less than a year later he finds himself officiating his daughter's beautiful white wedding and realizes what he has wanted and loved all along about weddings - not to be the groom or husband but to be a part of weddings as an officiant... Hey now.. I'm gonna shut down the shitty bass I received the private message (Asking if I'd marry them) Asking if I'd marry them (Civil marriages) Deputy Commissioner of Civil marriages (Deputy Commissioner of Civil marriages) For just one day in November After all I've seen and been through after all my dreams dashed come true I found my place where I can live my dream again down the aisle, again Not to marry a bride who is heaven sent But as The Officiant The Officiant as The Officiant The Officiant as The Officiant I married my sister I married my brother I married my daughter and that was great walk down the aisle alone in single file cuz I'll love myself and that was great walk down the aisle alone in single file I do I will start until death do I part (I do I will start until death do I part Not to marry a bride who is heaven sent But as The Officiant )

about

This is a story of one man's life journey to becoming a wedding officiant.

credits

released November 30, 2015

NASOALMO - November 2015 Entry.

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Dirty Melissa Auburn, California

Jonathan Aronson a.k.a. Dirty Melissa

Topical Lounge Metal Social Commentary Advice-Rock Show Tunes and Dinner Theater Punk

Methodology? Analog multitrack and plodding drum machine, usually one take recordings. Errors and all.
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