The Officiant

by Dirty Melissa

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about

This is a story of one man's life journey to becoming a wedding officiant.

credits

released November 30, 2015

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all rights reserved

about

Dirty Melissa Auburn, California

Jonathan Aronson a.k.a. Dirty Melissa

Topical Lounge Metal Social Commentary Advice-Rock Show Tunes and Dinner Theater Punk

Methodology? Analog multitrack and drum machine, usually one take recordings. Errors and all.
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Track Name: Me, Mom and Daddy
***It starts in 1976 ...while living alone with his father after his parents divorce ...he spends a year listening to Beatles records, watching the Brady Bunch, Ozzie and Harriet, Father Knows Best, The Partridge Family and My Three Sons having these ideas programmed in his mind...and he he decides what he wants when he grows up....



I'm gonna be a daddy
I'm gonna be a husband too
I want my wife and my kids
be proud of me and love me true

some day I'll have a house
and a car and a boat
and go on vacation
and go on vacation

In the summers we will load
up the station wagon
and sing together
and sing together

I wanna be a patriarch
of a happy family
I wanna make my parents proud
grandchildren on their knee
I wanna have a wedding
I wanna be get married (someday)
I wanna be a husband
Track Name: Clouds Floating By
***Later we relive an experience where he is injured terribly and overcome by the fear of being in trouble more than his concern with his injuries...a testament to his experiences and ignorance of authority...that to disappoint his parents would be a worse fate than death itself... signifying the beginning of his people pleasing ways.


Why wouldn't anyone
not want to lie
beneath the monkey bars
looking up at the sky
at the clouds floating by

floating by floating by

That ringing in the ears
After falling hard
and losing wind
In the yard
And scraping knee
And hitting head
and bloody nose
I'm almost dead

clouds floating by

And bruised elbow
and broken bones
injured child on my back
Looking up at the clouds
and sound compressed

clouds floating by floating by
I'm in trouble
clouds floating by
I'm in trouble
clouds floating by floating by

I feel undressed
and did I just die?
I see the light
I feel so high

clouds floating by
clouds floating by
and floating by floating by floating by

I can't hear the playground anymore
Track Name: Magazines
***Along the way he makes a discovery visiting his Mother's pad where she is shacked up with her new man, and soon to be husband. This discovery coincides perfectly with puberty and introduces him to the much more complex and interesting meaning to having a wife, a woman to love... to sex...


Momma lives by the sea
in an adobe brick colored green
Wooden walls and open doors
Magazines on closet floors

I woke up hard pressed
against the mattress
I ...
knew from gymnasium gossip
that this would happen
I ...
felt stretched
beyond capacity
I ...
woke up wet hard pressed
between the sheets and me

So I spent more time
with my step dad
volunteering for chores
so I could get
closer to those
Wooden walls and open doors
And when he left
to go to the store
I ran across the floor to
get to those magazines on closet floors

I knew before hand
before I knew
That with those magazines
I knew what to do
Like the Grinch's heart
It grew and grew
I'd die of embarrassment
if anyone knew

So I spent more time
with my step dad
volunteering for chores
so I could get
closer to those
Wooden walls and open doors
And when he left
to go to the store
I ran across the floor to
get to those magazines on closet floors
magazines on closet floors
magazines on closet floors
Track Name: Just Like Duke
***At his mother's living room wedding officiated by her man's brother Duke, he is mesmerized and captivated by the the whole affair... not a white wedding by any means but his first wedding and he studies the process... he notices the look of pride in the preacher's wife's gaze and sees this as a way to make someone proud...



Nineteen-seventy-nine or was it eight?
This love affair is now a wedding date

at the house
in foggy marina
they looked so happy
Duke did the honors
I like that
Just like Duke
I like that
Standing up
up for them
in the center
I like that
Just like Duke
I like that
Fantasies of a preacher's wife

It seemed so noble and right
to do the honors
her dressed in white
And groom to the nines
I knew I wanted
something to do with all of this
but how on earth will I
find a bride by my side
Duke did the honors
they looked so happy

I like that
Just like Duke
I like that
Standing up
up for them
in the center
Fantasies of a preacher's wife
I like that
Just like Duke
I like that
Standing up
up for them
in the center
I like that
Fantasies of a preacher's wife
I like that
Standing up
up for them
in the center
Just like Duke
I like that
Fantasies of a preacher's wife
Track Name: Baseball Or Rock N Roll
***As he travels through life and is now in high school he is always searching for ways to become desirable and wanted by a woman he can love...he's tired of being called weird or cute or funny by the girls...he wants to be a man... he sees baseball and playing guitar as ways to be seen by the girls as a man...


Baseball or Rock and Roll

I'm not weird
I'm not cute
I'm not funny
don't call me weird
don't call me cute
don't say I'm funny

weird cute cute funny weird cute

If I could be Like
Mike Brady
And be the best Dad
I'd be so glad
girls say I'm cute
say, say I'm weird
say i'm funny
But I want to be a man
want you to be my honey

Baseball or Rock and Roll

I want to be a star
I want to be her hero
But I don't think so
I'm a zero
girls say I'm cute
girls say I'm weird
girls say i'm weird
Track Name: Why I Left To Conquer The World
***He turns on the television one day and he sees the wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Diana and decides he wants that - he likes that... he decides weddings are beautiful and good and noble and something he wants, he gives up on the home town and leaves to start a life, find a wife...



I saw the wedding
Charles and Diana
I want that
I wanted that
But who will I know
Who has a father to giver her away...
Who will pay for such an affair
Wait ...how can I have that ever after
When my parents, grandparents and aunt are all divorced?
I don't know how to be a husband
but I've seen my friends parents...like Ozzie and Harriet
So cool...
I don't know anyone who could be my bride
I have to get out there and find her...
Who will be my girl? Out in the world?

That's why I left to conquer the world
That's why I left to conquer the world
That's why I left to conquer the world
That's why I left to conquer the world
Track Name: Magistrate
***Far from home and living in a dormitory, he has met a woman who wants to be married and have a family and he courts her and in under 5 months they find themselves at city hall getting hitched... during the process he notices the judge and the process of marrying them ...


We exchanged turkey sandwiches and
painted random cinder block bricks
on dorm room walls
It wasn't too long before we
decided to get married
and move away from these halls
Did I want a wedding back home
or did I just want to be hitched

That's where I first saw the magistrate
Captured the marriage on video tape
Dressed up in my blues
And she was waiting there with
a fancy white dress and flowers in her hair
Cold and white outside the courthouse
That's where I first saw the magistrate

I played back the tape
And she was awesome
In her tie & long black gown
I was nervous and
it was darling and cute
and we were kind of funny
and I kind of liked
what was going down
what I saw and what she did
And what I saw what she said and how it worked ....

That's where I first saw the magistrate
Captured the marriage on video tape
Dressed up in my blues
And she was waiting there with
a fancy white dress and flowers in her hair
cold and white outside the courthouse
That's where I first saw the magistrate

first saw the magistrate
first saw the magistrate

The consummate and quintessential
Authority and professional
I wonder what lucky guy would consummate
the magistrate

I wondered if I could ever become
Track Name: Moving On
***After his divorce, and while being alone he is self seeking and discovering that perhaps what he is drawn to about marriage is not necessarily being in a wedding or being a bride-groom...but being a good husband and the search for that woman continues


The time has come
to say goodbye
seeking something from the aisle
But clearly it was not
a wife and kids
But I still needed a smile

Was it to be a bride-groom not me
or wedding singer? I don't know

moving on, moving on

I think I've come to know
That maybe what I want is more
It's not about the celebration
Maybe something deeper

Was it to be? a bride-groom not me
or wedding singer? I don't know

moving on, moving on

I did not know, I still dont know
moving on, walking down the aisle
moving on, do I try again?
moving on, do I try again?
moving on, do I try again?
moving on, do I try?

Was it to be - a bride-groom not me
or wedding singer I don't know
Track Name: Clark County Bee Hive
***After trials and tribulations he meets a new woman who agrees to marry him and they end up in Las Vegas at the county courthouse and again he is captivated by the process, mesmerized by the clerk and her role in their marriage and can't put his finger on what he's experiencing ... naturally he snaps out of it and is married and in a casino buffet


I like this one, she could be the one for me
And this time I'm gonna be better

Call in sick, flying south
Arrive by noon

County office, taxi cab
Quick stop license
Have a seat, bee hive clerk
Janitor witness

Nugget buffet, bacon and cake
Tropicana photo booth

Hell yeah! - bee hive...cool job
Clark county bee hive
Hell yeah! - bee hive
Cool job
Clark county bee hive
easy come easy go

I like this one, she could be the one for me
And this time I'm gonna be better
Call in sick flying south, arrive by noon

Bacon and cake, Tropicana photo booth
photographer

Hell yeah! - bee hive
Cool job
Clark county bee hive., yeah
Hell yeah! - bee hive...cool job
Clark county bee hive, yeah
easy come easy go
easy come easy go
easy come easy go
easy come easy go
Track Name: Groom Groom
***Years pass by, he's tried to be a good husband ...as good as he can be... he's finding being married again is not easy or perfect, he falls down and gets back up again once or twice ... a surreal dream sequence of realization...

cumberbun
bowtie
shiney shoes
shutterfly
best man
other guys
groom groom
ask why
cumberbun
bowtie
shiney shoes
shutterfly

groom groom
first day of the rest of your life they say

I wanted to be to be that guy
I wanted to wear that tie
I wanted to look into her eyes
I wanted to be hers till I died
I tried not once but twice
This marriage thing is my vice

fuck around, fool around
I'm nobody's nobody now
first day of the rest of your life they say
groom groom
Track Name: The Officiant
One day he is asked to officiate his sister and law's wedding, then a month later he volunteers to marry his brother in another state and flies out to do the honors - then less than a year later he finds himself officiating his daughter's beautiful white wedding and realizes what he has wanted and loved all along about weddings - not to be the groom or husband but to be a part of weddings as an officiant...


Hey now.. I'm gonna shut down the shitty bass

I received the private message (Asking if I'd marry them)
Asking if I'd marry them (Civil marriages)
Deputy Commissioner
of Civil marriages (Deputy Commissioner of Civil marriages)
For just one day in November

After all I've seen and been through
after all my dreams dashed come true
I found my place where I can live my dream again
down the aisle, again
Not to marry a bride who is heaven sent
But as The Officiant

The Officiant
as The Officiant
The Officiant
as The Officiant

I married my sister
I married my brother
I married my daughter
and that was great

walk down the aisle
alone in single file
cuz I'll love myself
and that was great

walk down the aisle
alone in single file
I do I will start
until death do I part

(I do I will start until death do I part
Not to marry a bride who is heaven sent
But as The Officiant )